I haven’t updated this in awhile!
Well, a lot has happened. I found a certain level of peace in helping other people. It isn’t that I consciously set out to do this, but it kept repeating itself in various ways until I became aware that I was doing this. Maybe that which I have been so angry at my family for, ignoring each other’s needs, became something I began to see in others. In my own way I became a vehicle to help other people by finally acknowledging what had hurt me so much growing up.
On Facebook I kept posting shit like “If you’re depressed, do shit for other people, it really provides fulfillment” without really believing in it yet myself. There wasn’t a tipping point where I became truly aware of it, it just happened one day that I knew I was back on the right path. Everything that had fueled my rage for over a decade, everything that had me blowing money like a muddafakka and being noncommittal to all of the amazing women who have graced me with their presence, became clear to me.
The simple act of asking people what’s on their mind, what goals, or dreams you could do anything to help achieve, even buying someone a dinner and sitting with them while their eyes light up as they describe even the smallest progress, that is truly fulfilling. I didn’t write this to bitch about my parents or extended family this time, but growing up I don’t think anyone listened or cared about what I wanted or what dreams I had. When you don’t water that seed in people, they rarely grow.
Water that seed in others and soon you will be standing in a beautiful garden. Oh, of course you’ll still need to watch your step, the roots of artists are tender and exposed, and often there will be some manure lingering around.